* Note

I wish I could go back to the first time I met you, and turn the other way. I'll make this clear, this is not a love letter.

Sometimes I wish that I could hurt you. Make you feel the pain you made me feel. Make you cry, like how I cried. But you know, if I really did have the chance to, you know I wouldn't. If I treated you the way you treated me, I don't think you would have lasted like I did. When I was looking for someone, I looked around, you weren't there. If having a someone who should make you feel secure, made you insecure, think about it. Is your temporary happiness worth the long term pain?

You won't get what you truly deserve if you're too busy trying to hold on to something you should be letting go of. It is easy thinking about the act.. but to put it into action is another thing. It's never easy to let go of something you cherish so much. Something that made you feel special, or even loved. What keeps you holding on? Is it really the person you are missing, or the feeling of being with someone?

If a person has built up a wall, it is because he or she is afraid. It was built brick by brick, lie after lie, heartbreak after heartbreak. Crying is a language, spoken by the eyes when the mouth can no longer speak of the pain of a broken heart.

Love is mysterious and we can't live without it. It is a driving force in people and it gives them strength. It is something that consumes. Something dangerous, yet sweet. People long for it, but afraid to give it. It gives hope, yet takes it away. I guess, the irony in it is what makes it special.

Everything is going to be alright, maybe not now, but eventually. My life, my choices, my mistakes. I will forgive, but I will never forget. Once my respect is lost, damn hard to get it back.

* Time Flies

I wrote this a year ago for a college application. Man, I miss basketball.
----
Never be afraid to fail because everything happens for a reason. Never let what other people think decide who you are.

It was during freshmen year, a Wednesday, when I joined the team. I walked with a batch mate to the foot ball field because she told me that the team jogged around the field every Wednesdays. At that point, I was still unsure why I was there. The coach talked to me and then asked me a question that took me several years to figure out, “Why do you play basketball?"

In my first two years, I was the ultimate bench-warmer. During training, I’d warm-up then go straight to the bench. By the time I got home, I’d still be wearing the same shirt for all the sweat had already dried up. During games, while most of my teammates handled the ball, I would take care of the Gatorade. Sometimes, I wasn’t even part of the league so I would sit on the bleachers. I got to play occasionally when the time remaining on the clock was less than a minute and we were winning or losing by double digits but all that was in the past. The head coach was replaced during the summer of my third year, so the whole system changed. There were a lot of new plays and training schemes. The new coach paid attention to every single one of us. That was when things started to go differently. I took basketball more seriously because I finally felt like I mattered.

Something happened on the first game of my third year. Suddenly, while I was listening to the coach announce the first five players of the game, he mentioned my name. At that moment, I lost it.Something as momentous as this had never happened to me before and I just didn’t know how to cope with the nerves. I could say this though, I was freaking exhilarated.

Sadly, we lost that game.

I wasn’t going to let one loss stop me. I took that defeat and I turned it into my personal form of motivation. With it, I began to expect more from myself. I never again wanted my team to experience the feeling of defeat, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of failure. We played more games as a team and while playing, I grew as a person. I started to think less about myself and more about others. I played for the name in front of the jersey rather than the one at the back. From then on, I learned how to discipline myself. There was never an excuse to not work harder every chance I could get. I wanted to be a winner. I wanted to make things happen.

I have one more year left to play for La Salle. I’ll do everything I can to help my team win every single game even if it means passing on towels to my teammates, handing over Gatorade, or even sitting on the bench if that is what is needed. But every time I get to play, I make every second count.

Three years ago my coach asked me why I play basketball. The feeling of a basketball in my hands, the swish of the ball when it goes through the hoop, the sound my shoes make when I run on the wooden court, my love for the game — This is my answer.

* Because you kissed me good night

I forgot when I first read this poem but I remember that when I first read it, I really thought it was cute. Haha! I remembered it because I saw someone tweet something about a good night kiss. So.. HAHA! I just want to share this with whoever reads my blog. Hahaha!

I climbed the door

And opened the stairs

I said my pajamas

And put on my prayers

Then turned off my bed

And crawled into the light

All because you kissed me good-night

Next morning, I woke

And scrambled my shoes

Polished my eggs and

Toasted the news

I couldn't tell my left from right

All cause you kissed me good-night.

That evening, at last,

I felt normal again

I called up my mother

and picked up the phone

I spoke to my puppy 

And threw my dad a bone

Even at midnight

The sun was still bright

All because you kissed me good-night!

* Graduation

S1998392, LRBI2059: 2B 3D 4H 5B 6H 7F FA SF JF SRI

For a decade of wearing the green plaid skirt, I still can't believe today was the last.

Time flies so fast. Graduation is tomorrow. 10 out of 17 years of my existence were spent in Zobel.

Why does it have to end so soon? Yes, they say college is fun but, as of now, I can honestly say that all my years in Zobel were the best years of my life, so far. Well, duh. I spent my whole life there.

I'm actually finding it hard to think a word that will describe how I'm feeling right now. I'm excited, at the same time scared. Nervous, at the same time, relieved. I'm happy, at the same time, sad. I don't know why it's so hard to let go.

We had our baccalaureate mass this morning and after receiving communion, the things I told God were mostly words of thanks. Recalling all the years I've spent in the institution, I can say that they were full of blessings. In forms of friends, teachers, opportunities, or even failures... I was so overwhelmed that tears actually filled my eyes.

I honestly have no idea if I'm gonna end up crying tomorrow. I think I will but, when I am in the verge of crying, I'll try to remind myself that this is not the end, but the beginning of something greater.

"Our everyday is now gonna change. We're so close to the end, there's nothing left to say. If I could I'd still press reply, over and over, I'd do it again."

I may not be going to DLSU for college but, I will always, and forever be a green archer.

Live Jesus in our hearts, forever.

* Dance Production: Korean

First of all, I am sure all of you guys have Facebook accounts. So, please like all of these. HAHA! It's for a class project/batch contest. Last class prod everrr!! :

1. https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=3446584240963
2. https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=3441271668152&theater
3. www.facebook.com/vca2012

I had so much fun with my class while shooting for this video. Super daming bonding moments. We usually shoot after class, but end up bonding nalang almost the whole time. But we shoot something usable once in a while! Especially when Stephen is around. Hehe.

I had so much fun with my class this week. We had shooting from Monday to Wednesday at MZ's house from 10 AM til whenever. People would usually arrive, I don't know... 4 hours late??? :))

Von and I would meet at around 8 AM somewhere near ATC. Von kasi kakaawa eh. He would be alone until 10 AM if I don't go. HAHA!

So one morning, he made me kulit to go to Madrigal while it was raining. Me, being a good friend and all, went to Madrigal naman. Haha! Oh yeah, we decided to meet and eat in Jolibee. When I walked into the entrance, I tripped. As in bonggang bagsak. Oh my gosh. Walang ka poise poise. Kuya guard tried to not laugh.. I could see it in his face na he really wanted to laugh. So inunahan ko na sya. I laughed at myself, which probably gave them the permission to laugh at me, too. So all the people near the entrance laughed. Haay, atleast I made people happy -__- We ate Jollibee food and then went to 7-eleven to buy some more food, and then went to a cafe.. to get some more food. Tataba ako pag kasama ko si Von lagi! HEHE.

The next day, I commuted with Stephen to Madrigal. Same plan. Meet up with Von. We ate at Pancake House and then the three of us went to MZ's house. When we got there, it was just us. We slept and then when I woke up, dami nang tao. Oh, that day was the dog-pile day. Damingdog piles. Sakit sa katawan.


I have so much stuff to say but I really want to read my book right now. Haha. So I'll end this post by well, saying that I really love my class and I'll miss these guys so, so much.

PICTURES

Singit nila sa picture ko :( Lolcakes. 

With Mikky G

With my babe, Camille ;) :))

Von, my Jollibee buddyy

Laki ng mata mo.

TIM HAHAHA

Ekuy my love

With our director, Stephen ;)
We so cool.

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS HAHA

Dogpile # 3. Notice Tim at the bottom? :))

* Tuesday

The day started off pretty bad. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can.
I found out that someone lied to me. I hate liars.

The day was normal, usual double computer and double THELE. The day went surprisingly fast. I waited for Father Eric so he can give me some of the Mission Youth promotional videos. While waiting, I talked to John and the twins. Hashi and Anton C. ran to me and gave me a cupcake. Kuya Pete gave me a puto. Had a chat with Sir C.

Then my favorite part of the day, training! Training has been more fun lately. A great mix of serious and funny moments. Makes me love the sport more. I'm gonna miss this team.

And then after training, when you think it can't get any better, it can. :)

* If only

I like this song

and Boyce Avenue.

:)

If only someone would sing this to me right now.. perfect way to make me feel really happy. I've been feeling kinda bad about myself recently. Not cool, I know. Can't help it though.

* Prosaic

For some time, I considered myself somewhat... special. But as I see it now, I feel so foolish because the whole time, I was no more than ordinary.

* Time

If you really care about someone, you have to make time for them.

It doesn't mean that you have to give them all your time, or talk to them every minute. Simple things such as good morning or good night messages would mean a lot. It will remind them that you still care.

I can wait. I'm not sure how long knowing that I don't really have the right.

* University of the Philippines

God is good!

I went to UP without any expectations. I never thought that I would actually pass the UPCAT. I took it because well, I can only take it once, right? I also wanted to see if I can pass without summer review classes. It was all a matter of checking if I have what it takes to be an iskolar ng bayan.


During science, Miss Joanne went to our class and told Mia she passed the UPCAT. We were all happy for her. For some reason, I got really scared. After a while, I saw Miss Joanne again outside the door and she pointed at me, and then a thumbs up. I got really excited and ran outside the door.. during class. I was screaming. First thing I thought of was, "I get to stay in the Philippines."


Deal was, I have to go to Australia for college. Unless, I pass UP.


Honestly, I was really happy not because I passed (but contributed a lot) but because I don't have to leave anymore.

Anyway, 2/2. God is good. God is good.

* Uhm

I don't know what's happening to me but recently, I've been feeling down. I've been looking at things in a different perspective. It's becoming hard for me to see things in an optimistic way.

I feel lonely most of the time. I try to be happy around my friends so they wouldn't worry about me. Nobody really reads my blog so Imma let all my thoughts out here. I don't really like talking about my feelings and I don't like bothering people even though I really want someone to talk to me and ask me how I feel.

I should lower my expectations. That way, I won't feel disappointed every time.

* God wanted me to know...

You're probably familiar with this app on Facebook called "God wants You to Know." I tried it out as I usually do and today, this was what I got...

On this day of your life, Tatjana, we believe God wants you to know ... that you are to let grace flow freely from your heart.

Think back over the last few days, - how many times have you felt appreciation towards another? How many times have you thought about another: 'what a lovely smile', or 'she is so nice', or 'such a kind man', or any of a myriad of other appreciative thoughts. Did you express them? Did you come up to her and say: 'you are so nice'? And why not? Why did you stop divine grace from flowing freely from your heart? Do you want to change the world to the better? This is it, this is how you start. 

And I thought to myself, "Oh gosh I was like this for a few days until today..." People thought I was weird 'cos I was too open -__-


I expressed them, yes, but I think it came out in a weird way because I was the one who said it...

I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD!

(But I have to do it in another way, I guess. People might think I'm a freakazoid.)

But this does not stop me from telling other how I feel about them! :D

* Inevitable

2011 has been very good to me. I met a lot of people who made a huge impact on my life and it was full of wonderful memories.

I welcome this new year with a heavy heart. Not because I hate beginnings, but because I know I am leaving. I promised myself that I wouldn't be attached to anything and anyone this year. My friends made it harder for me to leave. The uncertainty of the future scares me. I guess only time can tell.

So many changes will happen this year, I can feel it.

What can I do? Change is inevitable

* Who Says

Who Says by Selena Gomez

This song played when my mom and I were eating dinner at Luk Foo. I really like this song and it sends out a good message, too. 

You've got every right to a beautiful life.

* A Love Letter

Loving someone and knowing that that someone loves you back is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Being in love with someone... The feeling is even more wonderful than you imagine it could be. He or she will claim a special place in your heart. One that you'll forever carry and that no one can ever replace.

When someone loves you, the way he or she says your name is different. His or her voice starts to sound melodic and it is a kind of music you play in your head over and over. You will want to be his or her favorite "Hello" and his or her hardest "Goodbye."

It will hurt thinking that there might come a time that he or she will no longer need you. There might come a time when you will drift apart. You will change, you will grow. Everything around you will make you miss him or her and the worst part is, you can sit there all day and you know that you can never have him or her back, whatever you do. Love hurts. There is nothing as painful as heartbreak, but in order to love again, you must learn to trust again.

Deep in your heart, you will not know if you deserve to be truly happy, nor to have someone like him or her. You will want that person and will wish to keep him or her forever.

Truth is, I love someone.

Promise me you'll never let me down.

* Christmas!

Christmas is near! In a few hours we'll all be celebrating with our families, opening gifts, having fun and all those stuff.

I just thought about this a while ago while I was driving around.. Christmas day should be a National Holiday so that everyone gets a chance to spend time with their families. I mean, I know they have to work but it's Christmas... We should just go and spend time with our families because nothing's more important than family.

Just saying. If I were president, that's the first thing I'm gonna do.

I still want to believe that Santa is real. Hehe. Makes me happy.

Oh, even with all the gifts and celebrations, remember... It's when Jesus was born. So yeah.. Don't forget to thank Him for all the wonderful things you've received this year and for saving your butt. Never forget the true meaning of Christmas!

 

So yeah,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

* Quixotic

I'm a hopeless romantic.

I want to be romanced by sweet simple things and the thoughtful amazing surprises.

Movies and expensive dinner dates are nice once in a while, but I'd rather go out on a picnic or go play at the park, spend time together lying down, (mas okay under the stars ;) ), while sharing stories and getting to know each other better, or hang-out in the car while singing old songs at the top of our lungs...

I know, maybe nobody does these kinds of things anymore... but to me, that's what makes it really special.